Sirius Black and the 5th Book
by Ashray1
Summary: Sirius finally reads the end of book 5, and the way Joanne K. Rowling killed him off. And he is not amused. This is just his reaction to the book, not with quotes and such. Sirius reads the end, and throws a tantrum. Blacks are insane, after all, so why shouldn't he be? And Harry and Remus, as his lovers, have the dubious honor to calm him down and comfort him...threesome, insaniy


**Title:** Sirius and the 5th book  
**Author:** Ashray  
**Pairing:** Sirius x Remus x Harry  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, the books, the movies or anything else I used in this FanFic. Only the idea is my own, and even that is not terrible new...

**Warning: **Somewhat AU. Things ended differently than in the books. Harry, Remus and Sirius are together as lovers, and Voldemort is not as evil, they are on his side since the Ministry- fiasco (and Sirius survived! Dumbles is not as good as he wants others to believe he is...) not much plot, but a lot of screaming and insanity...

**Summary: **Sirius finally reads the end of book 5, and the way Joanne K. Rowling killed him off. And he is not amused.

This is just his reaction to the book, not with quotes and such. Sirius reads the end, and throws a tantrum. Blacks are insane, after all, so why shouldn't he be?

And Harry and Remus, as his lovers, have the dubious honor to calm him down and comfort him...

**_.-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-_**  
**_Poor Padfoot_**  
**_-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-_**

**"How could she do that to me!?" **a loud wail shattered the peaceful silence of an early summer morning at 12 Grimmauld Place. A few birds in the garden took flight at the sudden noise to find a better place to eat.  
A single white owl, already used to sudden noises around here, fluffed up her feathers and went back to sleep with an annoyed hoot.  
Hopefully it will not turn out to be one of _those _days...

**"She can't just go and kill me off just like that, it's mean and unfair and I will not allow her to do that to me!  
Her evil ways need to end before something really bad happens, like Dumbledore sacrificing Harry for his stupid, useless 'Greater Good'; or worse, Remy and Harry hooking up with someone else and making Baby Moonys and Baby Prongslets without meeeee~!" **for a moment all that was heard was another window-shattering, ear-splitting howl, before the loud rant started again, startling even the most brave birds from the garden.  
**"She needs bugger off, go away, vanish, disappear, get lost, diminish, decrease and never come back again! We are not save with that evil woman out to get us and kill innocent Lords with stupid decorations!"  
**Sirius Black, Lord of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black and legendary Marauder was currently rolling around on the polished hardwood floor of his living room, raging and wailing and throwing a temper tantrum worthy of a 3 year old Malfoy in a clothes shop without money.

The white owl in the garden, the last bird in the immediate proximity, decided to follow the others to wait the tumult out someplace quieter.

It _seems_ to be one of those days.

"So, finally finished Book 5." Harry, who just entered the room, stated dryly. The black-haired Lord immediately threw himself at the smaller male and tackle-hugged him to the ground with another loud wail.

"**Harry!** How could she do that? She killed me! Just like that! One moment I'm here, and the next I'm gone! Not there anymore! Vanished! _Death!_"

"Sirius, it is just a book! Joanne Rowling didn't mean it like that, she just took reality, changed a few things here and there and published it as fiction. You know that! You were talking to her!"  
"Yes, but I didn't know that she would just go and kill me off! _Me_, your godfather, the legendary Padfoot! How could she do that?! I told her that Remy grabbed my hand and threw me away from that damn thing before I even touched it!  
Sure, I hit the wall and made a dent into it with my head, but that's not important!  
What's important is that I told her! _Three times!_ Just to be sure she got it!  
She can't change that! Remus is a Werewolf! They are strong! And fast! And he saved me! That is important, she can't ignore that, it ruins everything! We had enough of Dumbledore and his secrets after that, with him not telling about that prophesy!  
And then the damn thing was _fake_! James and Lily died, they got a large, red target painted on their backs, just because it fitted his _'greater good'." _Sirius sneered, before looking at the book, kicking it away with a growl.

"We joint the right side after that! We saw Dumbles true face, that he can't be trusted, and that we are on our own if we want to survive! She can't change that, it changes everything!"

Suddenly another thought struck him:  
"What about us?"  
With wide, pleading eyes the Lord looked up at his godson.  
"Harry? What about us? About you and Remus and me? I have to come back, so we can get together! **Harry~**"

With a sigh Harry sat down besides his distressed lover and stroked through his dark hair. That was exactly what they had feared when the Black Lord started reading those stupid Harry Potter books.  
Remus and Harry had hoped he would get bored sooner or later with those thick books, but the other man was slowly working through them...  
Accompanied by a lot of cursing, screaming, threating and whining on Sirius part, of course, but he finished one book after the other.  
And promptly set them on fire after finishing them.

"What's with all the howling this early in the morning?" Remus leaned with a cup of coffee in his hand in the door frame, hair still tousled and disheveled from last night, his pants hanging low on his hips, and the white shirt only half buttoned.  
"He finally finished book 5." Harry explained with a shrug.  
"Oh."  
**"Oh! Oh? That's all you have to say, Moony? ****_Oh?_****She kills me off with a shredded rag, and all you say is ****_Oh?_****"  
**"Well, what do you want me to say? They are just books, after all. No reason to get all worked up over it."

"But she killed me! Before we could change sides and bring down Dumble's manipulative and evil ass! Who will tell Harry that it is Okay to work with Voldemort, even after everything that happened? And who will stand beside him against his false friends and his evil relatives, and keep him from strangling them all as soon as he found out about Dumbledore paying them? And who will hold _you _back when we meet Greyback and you try to deck him for leering at Harry? Harry and I were the ones who sat on the werewolf to keep him down while you bashed his head against the floor!  
You two need me! She can't kill me! She can't, its not fair!"

"Well, looks like she can. She kills a lot of people, actually."

Remus just shook his head at the sulking dog animagus on the floor in silent exasperation, while Harry kneed besides him with a light smile.

"Poor Paddy." Harry crooned and petted the dark hair lovingly.  
"Yes, poor Paddy..." Sirius muttered and kicked his feet, enjoying the attention of his younger lover without noticing what Remus just said.  
"Look, if you get up, I will give you a cookie." Harry told him, and Sirius perked visibly up at that promise.  
"Really? What kind of cookie?" at the same time, he leered meaningful down at Harry's lap.  
"I don't think he deserves a cookie, for the way he acts. You are spoiling him, Harry, and that is why he doesn't obey and acts like a child half of the time."  
Sirius happily ignored everything Remus said and rolled over on his back.  
With a sigh he stretched out and looked pleadingly up at Harry, like Padfoot begging for a belly rub.  
Harry smiled at the display, and Remus did his best not to show his amusement as well.  
At last he had stopped pouting and whining over useless things.

"Bloody dog." in a flash Sirius turned into his dog form, turned over and jumped up at Remus.  
Good thing that Werewolves are really strong, or he would be with his ass on the floor right now. As it was, Padfoot had his big forepaws on his shoulders and happily slobbered all over his face while making happy doggy sounds.

"Thanks a lot, Padfoot, but I already washed my face today."  
"Awww, come on, Moony, you know you love me." the black dog turned back into the gray-eyed man to hug the other with a bright smile.  
With a grin Harry handed Remus a much needed towel to wipe his face clean, who took it with a thankful nod.  
He loved that dog, really, but sometimes he wished he had the strength of heart to just leash Sirius to a post in the garden to get him to act a little more adult than a five year old on a sugar high after getting into a pot of coffee...

_"You knew!"_ Sirius suddenly wailed loudly, only now noticing what Remus had said before he pounced on him.  
"You knew what she panned to do to me, that she planned to get rid of me, and you never told me! That's why you never took me to the cinema when you went with Harry to watch those blasted movies! You knew she would find a way to get rid of me when my back was turned!"  
"No. That's only because you can't sit still long enough to actually see the movie in peace."  
"Yeah! And you always feel us up!"  
"Or try to drag us over in your lap!"  
"Or something along the lines!"

Sirius pouted at the smiling males.  
"Hey, now that's not really my fault! You can't really expect an old dog to keep his paws to himself with you two sitting to my right and left, looking attractive and smelling oh so delicious." he sniffed at Harry's neck, before he shock his head to get rid of the distraction, coming back to the point. "But that all doesn't excuse the fact that you never told me! You could have warned me! You should have warned me!"  
"We just didn't want to upset you."  
"Or go on a rampage and tear down a city or two on your search for Miss Rowling."  
"Yes, and its only a book anyway. Its not important."  
"Not important? Did you hear that, Moony? Did you hear what Prongslet said? It's not important that I die!"

He threw himself against Remus and hugged his leg, looking sadly up at him in hopes of sympathy from that direction.  
The werewolf would have tried to shake the other man off, but he knew from long years of experience that it was utterly useless, Sirius could be worse than a bloody leech if he felt like it.  
And by the looks of it, he very much felt like it.  
"Prongslet doesn't care that I'm dead and gone and I will never come back! He doesn't care, Remy, say something!" he demanded and pulled on the leg he was hugging, making the pants slide lower to expose more skin.

Behind them, Harry burst out into loud laughter at his predicament, which urged Sirius even more on, like always.  
Remus tugged his pants up, while Sirius did his best to get him out of them.  
Harry was a bit surprised that the cloth didn't just rip in half with both of them tugging at it like that.

"And what do you want me to tell him? I'm dieing, too, and you didn't see _me _throwing a fit about it when I read it! It's not like I really die! Hell, even Harry nearly dies in that last battle, and he's not rolling around on the floor like that, crying and screaming, even through he's younger than _you!_" Remus tried to soothe the agitated Lord, who didn't even listen to anything he said.

Privately Harry thought that was a good thing, who knew what Sirius would do if he heard anyone would try to kill his lovers.  
He would be up in arms and shooting curses and jinxes at everything that moves.  
And possible everything that _not _moves as well.  
Harry could already see him running around, leaving a trail of exploding furniture, covering house-elves and Severus Snape burning on a stake in the Black Library (and Sirius dancing around him in just his underwear.)  
_'Just to make sure he doesn't get any bad ideas, __of course__.' _Sirius would say, with a smirk on his face and covered in ash and soot...

'And then he would go out to find someone else to burn.' the young man thought, and for a moment he could nearly smell the burning books.

Harry quickly shook his head at Remus to signal the werewolf to please, please not say anything like that again when Sirius could maybe hear it.  
A look down at the ranting lunatic at his feet and the werewolf agreed.

"She killed me with a piece of cloth! I didn't even have the chance to fight like a hero, bravely safe the day and then take my enemy down with me in an epic battle and a big, colorful explosion! No, I got pushed through a ratty piece of cloth by my insane cousin and that's it! No more Sirius Black! No more Padfoot, the feared grim!  
Exit Lord Black of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black! The last act for you, sorry. Please leave quietly, and don't trip on the stairs..."

"Why do I even put up with a drama queen like you?" a suffering Remus asked, and Sirius just tugged harder on his leg, nearly bringing him down this time.  
"You don't care either! I'm dieing and nobody cares!" Sirius accused and finally let go of the startled werewolf, who nearly fell over as the tugging suddenly stopped.

Sirius plopped face first down on the rug and hid his face in his arms.

Harry soothingly rubbed up and down his broad back. "Come on, Paddy, you know we would care if you really die."  
"Yeah, but it is a fact that it is only a book, Paddy. A lot of ink and paper, nothing more.  
You are all worked up because of a book, half of it is just made up by a bored muggle women to entertain her fans and make some pocket money!"

"But you don't see my point!" Sirius whined as he leaned into Harry's caresses, stretched out over his lap, nearly purring. "My point is, that I die at the ministry! Before I even get together with either one of you! And no one is doing anything against it."

Remus smirked down at his lovers, one black-haired man grinning up to him, the other still pouting about the unfairness of life and certain authoress'.

"And you two are really, absolutely sure that I don't come back miraculously?" he played with Harry's bangs, hoping they were just playing a prank. He pointed at the page in the book and held it up. "It says that I fall through the veil. Are you absolutely sure that I don't come back?"  
Remus just shock his head at him.  
"Maybe not now, but in the next book?" Hopeful eyes looked from the Werewolf to the young man he was cuddling with.  
Harry also shock his head, not sure if he should laugh or be worried about Sirius obsession with that blasted book.

"But I will at last be back as a ghost to haunt Dumbles, right?"  
"Dumbles will die in the next book. Severus kills him and pushes him down the tower."  
"That has to be the only good deed that the dungeon bat ever did. So I really don't come back, not even as ghost."  
Sad gray eyes watched them defeated.

"No Prongslet to corrupt?" he finally asked.  
Remus shock his head with mock disappointment. "No Prongslet to corrupt."  
"And no Moony to molest?"  
Harry had to bit his lip before he could answer, or he would have laughed. "No Moony to molest." he agreed.  
"Damn, that sucks!"  
"No, it doesn't, I think that's your problem." Remus told him, his face solemn, but his amber eyes shone bright with amusement.

At this point Harry lost it, he bent over Sirius' prone form and laughed until he couldn't breath properly. After a few moments Sirius joint him in his laughing fit.  
And finally Remus stood over them, looked down at his laughing lovers and stated to chuckle as well.

"Nice." drawled a dark voice sarcastically behind them, startling the two males on the floor out of their laughing fit. Remus on the other hand had heard and identified the newcomer two rooms away, so he wasn't surprised and didn't bother to act like he was.

"Hello, Severus." he greeted politely.  
"What are you doing here, Snivelius!?" Sirius yelled, still laying on his spot on the floor, as soon as he noticed the black robes darkening the door.  
"Hey, what's wrong with your dog?" Severus asked after a short nod to Remus and Harry, totally ignoring Sirius and his childish outburst.  
Damn dog is just trying to get a rise out of him, anyway!  
"Draco just tried to call you with the Floo in the drawing room. But no one answered him, and he was worried and said something about _'sounds like a dieing dog'_ coming from somewhere in the house." he explained with a smirk to the sputtering Black Lord.  
"And that is why I came here to investigate this 'occurrence'."

Sirius eyes begged Harry to let go of his shoulder, let him up and punch that sneering bastard.  
Severus was begging for it, and everyone can hear it!  
So why wouldn't Harry let him?!

"Seems like Draco was right. Maybe you should show a bit of mercy and just put it out of its misery. You are Gryffindors, after all, and normally you can't see another creature suffer if you can help it, right? So it should be your duty to help it move on. But if you want, it will be a pleasure to help you out, if _you _can't do it yourself!"

Suddenly Sirius saw a chance, someone who sees things his way maybe, an ally who would help him hunt the monster down who is after his life and happiness, or convince the others of they need to do so.  
Even if that ally is sarcastic and usually looks like he needs a long bath and a cup of blood...  
And so he broke free from Harry's grasp, jumped from the floor and crossed the room before the others could do more than blink at his pace.

He tackled the Potion-Master to the ground and hugged him like a plushie.  
The poor man didn't know what happened, one moment he was standing there, insulting Black like so often, and the next he was on the ground with said Lord Black sitting on his chest, alternately hugging and shacking the life out of him.  
"You at last understand me, right? You know how evil she is! She turned you into a Half-blood, after all, instead of the Pure-blood you are! That's evil, and evil things should be destroyed before they get even worse!  
Who knows, maybe you are the next one who dies!  
We have to stop her! They say I'm not allowed to murder her, but you agree with me, right? Right?"

Sirius was determinedly clinging to Severus' robes, while the Potion-Master tried equally determined to tug his clothes free and stand up.  
But Sirius made himself as heavy as possible, to make sure the other couldn't just shove him to the side.  
"What are you talking about, mutt? Who is evil, and why should I ever agree with you on anything? The only thing I agree on is that you are insane.  
And now get up and leave me alone, or I will chop you up and use you as an ingredient in my next potion."

****

"She killed me! Severus, she killed me, just like that! She made Bella push me through a curtain and killed me!" he shook his poor victim even more, until Severus saw stars and his ears rung from his screaming right in his face.  
"I still don't see the point, mutt! So you die. Good riddance."  
"The point, batty-boy, is that I'm dead and no one cares!" Sirius wailed loudly, and Severus had to cover his ears to save his hearing. It seems that Bellatrix and Walburga are not the only one with a shrill voice.  
Seems to be another family treat, like the insanity, and Dark magic.

Severus rubbed the back of his nose and sighed.  
"Let me get this straight: The last part of the last movie is out for weeks, or months, I don't really know or care. And you are finding _that _out _now_?" the potion-master looked at the other two males. "What, you never took him to the cinema?"

Harry and Remus looked at him with pity, while Sirius finally let go of him and stood up to bounce over to Harry.  
"You have a godson. Did you ever take him to a cinema when he was smaller?" asked Remus was they watched the other two.

Severus made a face, remembering rather clearly how Narcissa had dragged them all of to the muggle world to watch 'Peter Pan' with a 5 year old Draco for an _'educational afternoon'._

He could remember just as clear how Draco kept screaming at the screen the whole time, nearly jumping over the back of the seat before him in his excitement, and how he nearly set the whole cinema on fire with his accidental magic as he thought that that glowing firefly with the green dress is death...

_And _he remembered how Draco tried for weeks afterward to catch a fairy and force her to make him fly.  
He bobby trapped the whole garden, and part of the woods surrounding Malfoy Manor as well.  
But all he caught in his traps were house elves who just tried to do their job in and around the house.  
And the odd garden gnom, of course, but no one cared about _them_.  
But the whole thing thankfully died down after he climbed on the highest self in the library and jumped down after putting Dobby in a dress and shaking him and his feather duster above his head for 'fairy dust'...

He made a face, and Remus nodded as if he could read his thoughts.  
"See. And Sirius can act like a little kid just as much as a real little kid. Jumping in his seat, screaming at the screen, throwing popcorn and cola everywhere..." a small blush stole over his nose. "The only time he's silent is when his hands are busy..."  
Seems he can't really concentrate on both at the same time. Not that he said that out loud, but Severus knew it anyway.

A sudden crash startled them out of their conversation. They looked up to see the large black dog half buried under the table after running head first into it.  
Dishes, glasses and books covered the dark animagus until only his tail could be seen thumping under all the stuff. Black ears peeked up from under an old Daily Prophet, an old shoe between his teeth as he proudly brought his prey over to Harry so he could throw it again.

"Harry! Sirius! I told you not to play in the house!" Remus shouted, just as Harry threw the shoe and Padfoot run after it, nearly running Severus over in his hurry.  
"Talk about a short attention span." Remus murmured as he took the shoe after a short fight over it, and Padfoot sat down at his feet, tail wagging, and a happy doggy grin on his furry face, as he waited for the werewolf to throw his toy.  
But Remus just shook his head at him and banished the shoe out of his sight.  
The big, black dog whimpered sadly at him, before bounding back into the room to tackle his godson/lover and slobber all over the face of the dark-haired male.

"Do you really think he can sit still long enough to watch that movies? We took him to the _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_, and after just a few minutes he was shouting how he was going to murder those Muggles." Remus explained while Harry found the other shoe of that pair, and he charmed it to bounce across the room, the animagus bouncing happily after it.  
"She downplayed the Dursleys and their treatment of Harry a good bit, and Sirius got offended and started shouting about her being on their side, and that she thinks that it is okay what they did to a helpless child..."

Remus shook his head and blushed in embarrassment just thinking back at being hoisted out of the cinema and told to get 'that maniac' to a shrink before he hurts someone.  
Or gets hurt by someone.  
Sirius was still shouting and threathing 'those beasts', and what he would like to do to them, while Harry hung on his arm and tried to calm him down and stop him from storming over to his relatives to teach them a lesson...

"We tried again when _The Prisoner of Azkaban_ came out as movie, thinking that maybe he would be calmer when he himself shows up. He promised, after all."  
A dark eyebrow rose high. "He promised to sit still. For more than 5 minutes. _And you believe that?"  
_Severus looked at the werewolf as if he lost his mind.  
Remus blushed a little more. Now that the sarcastic man said it out loud, it really sounded unlikely.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say: The hope dies last.  
And there was the hope that since it was the first time the two of us would show up, he would pay more attention. That he would want to watch it until the end, instead of doing his very best to get us banned from the cinema in the first few moments of sitting down."

Remus sighed and brushed his hair back, and Sirius apparently had heard what they said, even while he was distracted by playing with Harry.  
Those dog ears are not only there to make him look cute, after all.

"How can I be calm, didn't you see what they did?" Sirius turned back into a human to scream at Severus again, who really wished he could do something painful and long-lasting to the crazy Lord.  
Who simply ignored Severus attempts to shake him off, as always, in order to scream at his face and shake to life out of the poor Potion Master.  
Who really regretted that he ever sat foot into this mad house.

"My Moony doesn't have a beard, and he doesn't look as old as the guy who played him!  
They made him look old when wizard age way slower than muggles! Everyone knows that, so how could she ignore that!?  
And my Moony always believed in me, and James and I would have never doubted his loyalty! And Lily would have hit everyone who even suggest it over the head with a mountain! She knew both of us for years, after all!  
And Remy would never fight his wolf, that would be stupid, and only hurt him!  
_**And my Remus is not stupid!**_" he ranted and raved without taking a breath, finally letting go of Severus in order to run up and down before them. "And I looked like an idiot with that stupid beard, and my hair is darker, and I look younger and better than that, that, that-"

"Breathe, Sirius. You need to breathe, or you will faint." Harry simply smiled, having heard that particular rant before, so he simply dragged him to the floor to pet his dark head.  
Sirius pressed into the touch, enjoying it in his human form just as much as in dog form. Even if he could name other places for Harry to pet at he would enjoy even more.

"But I don't like how I look in the movie, and I don't like how Moony looks in the movie, and how could she do that to us? They look so...old." Sirius was right back to where he started, whining and moaning on the floor. Not that anyone was surprised.

"Well. Since it seems that no one is dieing here, I will take my leave, and let you explain about the families you will have in the books, and about Harry's godson as well." Severus Snape said with a smirk as he turned around to leave with billowing robes, Remus following him to show him out.

"You just had to say that, did you?" Remus asked, glad that Sirius was distracted for the moment, still whining about how much better his poor Remus looked in reality then he looked in the movies, and how he was too young to have a beard, and how he himself looked like his father with that stupid beard.  
"Remus made sure that was one of the first things to go after I got away from Hogwarts!" they could hear him complain, and Harry just sat there and nodded at all the right times.

"I still can't believe he stunned me and dumped me into that dreaded bubble bath! I even had bubbles in my nose! And my ears! And after I finally fought my way out of that deathtrap, he grabbed me by the neck and hauled me on a chair! Moony looks really scary with scissors, you know..." Sirius murmured, "You should really try to avoid that."

"But of course, my dear wolf. Consider it payback." for a moment amber eyes just blinked at the dark man, before he remembered him and Harry teasing Severus about something Joanne Rowling wrote in her books after the last one got published.

"We told about the crush you are supposed to have on Lily..."  
"Exactly! And you both know how possessive those damn Malfoys are! The whole lot of them, they are worse than Goblins with their gold! And then you two come along and tell Lucius that I supposedly have a crush on Lily, when all she was for me was a dear friend, the sister I never had at the most! I never had a crush on that redheaded pest!"  
Remus couldn't keep a smile from his face at the look of outrage on the other mans pale face.  
"Well, it was just a joke. And not all of them are that bad. Narcissa doesn't seem to have a problem sharing her husband with you."  
"That's because she's a born Black. They are all mad!" Severus hissed with slightly darkened cheeks. Through the open door they saw Sirius, again as a big black dog, run after a paper ball just to crush against the bookshelf.

Several of the heavy tomes on it fell down, one after the other, onto the poor dazed dog's head.  
"See." Severus said with into the following silence. "That just proves my point. Clearly insane."  
Remus could hardly argue, Because, how many grown-up, sane man case paper balls through the house?

"Well, I will leave you to your madness then."  
And with that he left through the fireplace, and the werewolf went back to the living room the keep his lovers from wrecking the room.

'But did he really have to say that? It makes everything even more complicated.' Remus wondered how he should explain _that _to the Black Lord, without sending him into another fit.  
Because sooner or later Sirius would remember what Severus said.  
He stopped by the door only to take a startled step back as he turned around and had a wide-eyed Sirius in his face.

"Moony?"  
"Yes?"  
"So our little Prongslet gets to be all responsible and grown-up, just like me?" he ruffled Harry's hair and beamed proudly down at the younger male.  
"I bet you did a good job, with a good example like me to show you how to do it right you can't do anything wrong! Aww... I'm so proud of you, Bambi! My little Harry is a godfather!"

Both Remus and Harry looked at him as if he had lost his mind. And maybe he had...  
"Grown up?"  
"Responsible?"  
_"You?"_ they asked at the same time, and the Lord of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black pouted at his two lovers.  
With a dramatic gasp he grabbed at his chest and fell over on the couch behind him, moaning and groaning.  
"Oh, that hurt! That hurt right here, right in my heart! You are breaking it, you know!? My own lovers, the people that mean the most in my life, that I love and treasure the most in the whole wide world, have so little faith in me.  
You don't think that I can be a good example, that I'm not grown-up? That I'm not responsible? That really hurts. I would have never thought that you would betray me like that!"  
With another moan he turned around and hid his face in one of the cushions. When he didn't hear anything from the other men, he looked with one eye up at them.

"Now is the perfect time to disagree, and to tell me how mature you think I am, you know." he suggested cheekily.

Remus calmly shock his head at his behavior.  
"Yes, you are totally grown-up, Paddy."  
"I am! Harry, say something!"  
"Of course you're mature, Siri."

The Lord of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black looked hopefully up at his godson just to see his green eyes glitter with amusement.  
"You're lying through your teeth, Harry." he pouted, "And you're not even good at it. You shouldn't make fun of me. I'm your lover, so you should hug me and love and give me lots of cookies. Not make fun of me! Meanie!"

Then he remembered something else, and he looked up from his cushion again.

"Hey, Remus, what did the greasy bat mean? About _your_ family?" Sirius asked suspiciously, looking up at them, but both Remus and Harry refused to look at him. They didn't want to tell him if they didn't have to.

But their silence just worried him more and more.  
"Hey, what did she do? She killed me! What did she do to _you _in her evil books? I'm dead, killed by a curtain, I can't keep you save anymore, so what immoral and unholy things did she make you do, now that every stalker and pervert has free access to you without me to kill them off and hide their bodies when you're not looking?"

For a moment no one said anything, Sirius was expecting an answer, and his lovers not believing what he just told them.  
"Did you really do that?" Harry finally had to ask. Sirius is not a cold-blooded killer, but he is also a Black, and they are not known for their sanity.  
But people who get in the way of a Black, or who threaten the family of a Black are known to vanish suddenly and without a trace...  
Harry wasn't really sure what to think, because the dog could be pretty protective of his pack...

And Sirius just starred seriously up at them...  
But after a moment a broad grin spread over his whole face, his gray eyes glittered with mischief, and he barked with laughter.

"Damn, you really think I would ruin our beautiful garden by putting bodies there?"  
Harry looked out of the window into their back garden.  
With its high trees, thick undergrowth and the evil looking thorn-bushes it looked more like a dangerous jungle then a _beautiful garden_.

"Okay, now that there is no protective shield between you two and the rest of the evil, lecherous world, what did she do to you?"

"Sirius, they are only books, and she asked to change some things to fit the younger audience."  
Harry and Sirius starred incredulously at Remus, who blushed a little under their stares.  
"Remus. In every book or movie is some painful and bloody death, and a lot of bad things happen to me and other people. Not very fitting for a young audience, even if a good part of it is true..."

Sirius nodded eagerly, his head on Harry's shoulder, chewing on a dark strand.  
"So there was no real reason to change so much. She only did it to make the 'Light Side' win!"

"See, see!? Harry agrees with me, she is evil, and we should eliminate her before she does even more damage!"  
"I don't think she is evil, Sirius, and what kind of damage do you expect her to do with children's books that everyone believes to be made up anyway.  
You should just ignore it, they are only books, after all, and we know the true!  
We know that Dumbledore was a manipulative old man who was addicted to lemon drops and loved to play god with the lives of others as long as it was for the _'Greater Good', _and everyone just nods and goes along with it. And we know that Harry sees the true and joins the right side in the end, and that we win and get rid of Dumbles and his fried chickens!  
Everything will turn out all right for us, so _just let it go_."

__

"You don't understand! How can I hook up with you and Moony if I'm dead! You see, she can't kill me without killing the whole 'Happy End'- thing! It just doesn't work out!  
And don't try to distract me!  
What was Snape talking about with your family, Moony! I know that smirk! He knew something that I don't! And you two already read the last book, and you went to the last movie, _without me, again!  
_You know how it ends after she murders me in cold blood and destroys our happiness and disturbs everything with her evil ways!"

Neither Remus nor Harry looked at him, and Sirius grew even more worried.  
"I bet she killed you! Remus, I was in her way, and you are the next! She will kill you, I know it! I don't want you to die, Remy, tell me she didn't kill you! Tell me!"

"I already told you before, I will tell you again: I die. In the last book, at Hogwarts, in the last big fight against the ultimate evil."  
Harry didn't think that a couple of books and movies really deserved that kind of hysterics, but wisely didn't say anything.  
It would make it just worse, better let Paddy go on for a while to get it out of his system, and then distract him.  
Now where did that shoe go?...

****

"What do you mean you die, too! She can't kill you too! Harry will be all alone and lonely without us! I don't want us all to die! I want us to be happy!" Sirius cried horrified at the trough that both he _and _Remus would die in those evil, mean, lying, happy-end-killig books.

"But she let you two be together, at last, right?" he threw himself at Harry, knocking him down and straddling his waist. His gray eyes were wide, and he hugged Harry's hands to his chest as he looked pleadingly at Remus.

"Before she killed Remus she let you be together, right? And Remy didn't die at the fight against Hogwarts, but many, many, many years later, right? He's just pulling my leg because he knows that I want to be there as well, but the killed me before the last fight, and now the werewolf is teasing me, right?  
She can't change that much, she can't kill me and separate you and put you with others!" Sirius looked up at them with wide eyes.  
"You wouldn't be happy with others! You miss me! Say that you miss me!"

"Of course we would miss you, Paddy."  
"And it's only paper. Only a book, no reason to get all worked up like that!"

"I don't like the way you talk, Moony! Who did she pair you up with? Because I don't think it is Harry!"  
"Well..."

"Out with it, Prongslet! I want to know who she thinks would fit better to you than me and dear Moony!" he latched onto the younger male at the first sign that his resistance is crumbling under the assault of his patented puppy eyes.  
He could see Harry sigh and give in, just to end all the whining and shaking. Moony is too used to it all, and didn't always give in to him, but Harry is longer, and isn't as immune to Sirius' begging as his older lover.

"Haaarrrryyy~ " just a little push now, he could feel it.

"Ginny..." the green-eyed wizard admitted at last with a quiet murmur.

****

"What? With that money-grabbing bitch?" Sirius sounded like he was on the verge of a heart attack, and his face lost all color, before he turned an angry shade of red, nearly as bright as the Weasleys hair.  
"How could she do that? You curse that little shit every time she comes anywhere near you! She always clings to you, and think you will marry her just because you made the mistake to save her live in your second year! She thinks she knows you just because she heard _stories _about you!  
She doesn't know you! She doesn't _care _about you! You can't marry her! That's not right! That's not fair!"

And suddenly he looked up from his tantrum with growing horror.

"And if you are with Ginny, then what about Remus!?Don't tell me you are all alone and on your own until the end of your days! I bet she hooked you up with someone, too!  
Who is it? Severus? _Fenrir_? It can't be so much worse than being death. Tell me, I need to know!  
Did she pair you up with Greyback, and he killed you in your wedding night? That would be just like her, killing you to make sure you have no happy end either?!" he grabbed Remus around the waist and hugged him and buried his face in his stomach.

The Werewolf stroked slowly though the soft mass of hair, wishing he could just burn those blasted book instead of dealing with all that unnecessarily drama...

"She kills me off, and pairs Harry with his psycho stalker. What did she do to my favorite werewolf? Who did she punish you with?"

"It's Tonks." Remus finally gave in, just to end it, and Sirius' head shoot up from under Remus' shirt.  
"Tonks? As in, my little cousin? The walking accident? _That _Tonks?"  
"She didn't even let you and Harry spent a few happy years together before killing you off? She put you with Tonks? _Tonks? _That girl can't even keep herself out of trouble, let alone a kid! That is irresponsible! Harry! How can you let that happen! Tonks steals your man! You have to do something!"

"In the books, or in the movies, I see Remus as a friend. An unofficial god-father." Harry slowly explained to the older male. Making sure he heard and understood every word.  
"But the Harry in the book never saw even one of you as a love interest."  
**"What?"  
**Sirius let himself fall backwards onto the couch, and he dragged Remus with him.  
"You don't love us... Remy, he doesn't even love us~"  
"Oh, I do love you, Paddy. I love you two as family. I just don't see you as lovers in the books and movies."

Another howl came from Remus' chest where Sirius buried his face in hope to make it all go away.  
And to kiss and lick the skin there, while he was at it.  
Hey, just because the books were stupid, and he wanted to hunt the evil woman down didn't mean he wouldn't use an opportunity like this!

"Hey, whose kid is it anyway? That kid that you are godfather of?" Sirius asked, sounding a bit tired after all the excitement, when Remus finally go away from the horny dog.  
With a huff he struggled free and stood up, and after a look at the grinning animagus as he liked over his lips, he buttoned his shirt properly up.

"Remus."  
"Remus? But _how?_"  
"Paddy I think you know enough to know where the babies come from."  
"Yes, or do we need to give you The Talk?"  
"Look, Paddy, if a Mommy and a Daddy love it each other very much, they-"  
**"Enough!" **the dog-animagus screamed at his cheekily grinning lover, "Harry, I love you very much, you know that, but if you say one more word, I will have to kill you." he explained seriously, "I really don't need that picture of my parents. Urgh."

He rubbed his head on Remus leg: "Moony, make the bad pictures go away." he whined.

"Shall I obliviate you, Paddy?" Remus asked as he took out his wand.  
"No. You make me forget the whole book, and then I have to read it again from the start. It will take forever, and you will just refuse to tell me that I die, like before!"

With a quick step to the side he grabbed the shiny plate from the small table besides the couch and held it protectively up to his face.  
Remus just rolled his eyes with a smile as a gray eye carefully looked around the edge of his 'shield'.

"He's still armed. Harry I need a white flag."  
"And what do you want me to do?" Harry asked. After all, Sirius is an adult. At last, on the paper. And his mother insisted the same.  
He's technically old enough to conjure something up, and Harry was about to tell him so, when the older man pointed at his ass.  
"I need your underwear." he looked down at his lover. "You are wearing underwear, right."

With a smirk the smaller one shook his head. "Nope. Sorry, not today."  
Sirius eyes lit up at the admission, and his 'shield' dropped to the floor with a loud clank.  
"Did you hear that, Moony? He-"

****

"Sirius Orion Black! You're better not destroying the good china, or I will find a way to destroy **_you_****! And next time that sneering friend of yours comes over, tell him to shower!" **a loud voice screeched from the entrance through the still open door, and all thoughts about Harry and his lack of underwear stopped. **"And instruct him to soap, while you're at it! With what kind of people are you playing, boy, did his parents never wash him? And he never even greets his hosts! Where are his manners, did he grow up in a hole in the ground, or what's wrong with him?!  
Even a house-elf has better manners than that sneering boy. His parents were pure-bloods, they should have learned a cleaning spell or two in school! Tell them to use those spells!"**

****

"Snivelius is not my friend!" Sirius hollered immediately back, offended that his mother would even suggest that he would ever be friends with that bat!

****

"And I don't care if his parents ever told him what soap is or how to use it!" Sirius shuddered at the thought alone and turned a bit green around the nose.  
Snape in the bathroom...

__

"Remy, the bad pictures are back!" The wizard howled and hugged Remus again to hid his face in his stomach. "Make them go away..."

Harry shook his head and stood up: "I will go and try to shut her up..."  
Since Voldemort's victory over Dumbles and the Chicken club she wasn't as bad as before, she didn't insult them at every turn, but that doesn't mean she's a silent housemate...  
She didn't like to be ignored for too long, and she liked a to make her option heard.  
Like any other Black, Blacks generally doesn't like to be ignored, no matter if dead or alive...  
And sometimes she seems to forget that Sirius isn't a child anymore.

Shortly after Harry left the room the screaming stopped, and Remus hugged the shacking Padfoot to himself.  
"See, the voice is gone. Everything is fine, Paddy, no reason to freak out like that."  
"But Remus, the pictures! The pictures! Why would she talk about naked Severus! Who wants to think about _that! _I don't even want to know if such a thing exists!  
The only men I want naked are Harry and you! She knows that! Why would she talk about naked Snapes."

"Sirius! She never said that you have to wash him yourself!" Harry shook his head at the drama-queen he called his godfather and lover.  
"Harry! Not you too! How can do this to me, I thought you love me! And then you go and put evil pictures in my head to torture me!"

"They are not going to kill you. Give you nightmares, maybe, but they will not jump you and murder you in your sleep!"  
"How do you know that?"  
He finally let go of their werewolf to tackle-hug his other lover. Again.  
Remus rubbed ribs were Sirius' death-grip had left a small bruise even on him.

"And if that dog can't sleep at night, he will keep us awake as well, you know!" he explained to a grinning Harry, who patted the dark head buried in his neck.  
None of the two saw Sirius smirk before he cuddled some more, enjoying all the attention he got for his little tantrum.  
As the smaller hand stopped its movement, he whimpered quietly, and the patting began again.

"Hey, how did you shut her up anyway?" Remus asked curiously with a short look to the now silent hall.  
Harry just shrugged his shoulders, not really interested, and stroked the soft hair under his fingers. Sirius hummed softly and closed his eyes. For a moment Remus could nearly see a black tail waggling happily as the dog-animagus stretched out over Harry's smaller form.  
"Dear Bella showed me a little trick. It works good on loud portraits..."  
"Bella? You let Bella show you anything?" now Sirius was wide away, every trace of sleepy contentment gone in a blink.

His hands moved quickly over Harry's body, buttons opened and shirts removed as he made sure that the smaller male wasn't hurt by his crazy cousin.  
"Sirius, its fine. She didn't hurt me, and it was months ago!"

"But Bella is mad." even Remus had to agree in this case "Why didn't you tell us that you were talking to her. You know her wand sits a little loose sometimes..."

"Of course, madness runs in my family like arrogance in Malfoys." Sirius nodded.

"But not all of you are insane!" protested Harry, and Sirius smiled, thinking his lover was talking about him. "I mean, look at Andromeda." And Sirius' smile fell, much to Remus amusement.  
The Black Lord pouted at both of them. "But she went and married a muggle. If that's not mad, then I don't know. I mean, with mother still alive and all.  
My mother looked like she was about to explode the moment she heard about it, and then Andy even had the gall to send her an invitation to the wedding. I'm surprised mother just sent a Howler to inform her that she's no longer part of the family, in front of the whole wedding-party and in the middle of them saying their vows..."

"You know, one would think she is happy now. At last both of you are wizards, _and _we are all on Voldemort's side! _And _we helped him bringing down the light side! So what is she still hollering about?!" Sirius asked irritated that the portrait shut up if Remus talked to her, or Harry threatened her with whatever crazy spell his cousin had taught him.  
But whenever she was talking to her own son, she just barked at him or told him what to do...

"Did you never ask her? I mean, we are living in this house for a few years now, and you never asked her why she still yells at you?"  
"Are you crazy? That's my mother you are talking about! She would just rant about some totally unimportant and pointless thing, totally ignoring everything around her, and I don't feel like hearing her whine or insult me!"

Remus rolled his eyes. Now why did _that _sound so familiar.  
"Really? She just ignores her surroundings to complain about unimportant stuff?" Remus asked innocently, and the other wizard nodded eagerly:  
"Yes! Can you believe it? She just goes on and on how stupid I was to ever believe a single word Dumbles said, how I should have strangled the rat, how I should have never made friends with him in the first place, how I should have never allowed any of the chicken-club into _her _house, and so on and so on."

Sirius glared at Harry.  
"I mean, really, how can that be important. Who cares. I'm going to die, and she doesn't even care! None of you do!"

And back to the beginning.

Remus looked down at the cup on the table with a sigh, then to the cabinet with the alcohol, then back to his now cold coffee.  
"That's it," he murmured, "I'm going back to bed."  
"Hey, good idea!" Sirius called after him, stood up and threw Harry over his shoulder "Moony, wait for us!"  
He ignored Harry's startled yelp of surprise as he happily bounced after the werewolf.  
One of his hands were on Harry's ass to steady him and make sure that he didn't drop the smaller man. And his gray eyes were glued to Remus body, and the way he moved ahead of him.

Remus turned around to see Sirius behind him, and thanks to the stairs his face was level with Remus ass...

"Bloody dog, maybe we really should get you a leash."  
The Black Lord smirked over his whole face: "Kinky. I like it. Can we use it to bind you to the headboard? "  
"No, but we can use it to leash you to a doghouse in the front lawn!"

"Useless, Remy." Harry informed him, still hanging upside down over the shoulder.  
Slowly the blood was running in his head, and he wished they would just move or at last let him down. This position is not the comfiest one.  
"Paddy would just chew the leash through or drag the whole doghouse behind him. It would be more trouble than its worth!"

Sirius pouted at them, and Remus shook his head, as a sudden noise cut off anything he might have said.

****

"How dare you running around my house like that! Put that shirt back into your trousers! And button it up, you look like a slop!  
And what about your hair, when was the last time that saw a brush?! And how many times do I have to tell you to eat a proper breakfast?  
Coffee is not a proper breakfast! And tell that to the other two as well, especially the older one! Hot chocolate isn't breakfast either!  
Why don't you tell the house-elves to make something? Did you bug him again until he threatened to poison you again?  
You know that he doesn't mean it!

****

And stop running around like a lunatic, didn't I teach you any manners? You should be a good example, when will you begin to act like a proper pure-blood?  
You are a Lord now, and not any Lord, but a Black!  
We are one of the oldest families, and what does the Head of House do?"

"He's going to set you on fire again if you don't shut up, you old hag!"  
"Just try it, you didn't succeed before, what makes you think you will now?"  
"Oh, I know that it doesn't destroy this evil piece of bad drawing, but I sure know that you don't enjoy it either!"

****

"Shut up! You will not talk like that to me! And sent that charming werewolf over, I need some intelligent conversation! Merlin knows my own son acts like a five year old half of the time" the portrait muttered, and Sirius quickly moved a few steps down the stairs to shout back, bright red creeping up his face:  
**"Old wrench, I told you before to keep you eyes off my lovers! Remus is mine, and the only reason he never told you off is because he is too damn polite to tell you what I think!"**

Remus rolled his eyes at the yelling match between the former Lady Black and her son the current Lord of the House. Harry smiled at Remus as he took the few steps down to stand before him.  
"I must admit I was surprised that she accepted me into the house so easily, given their motto. _Toujours pur,_ and all that."

****

"I don't get what they see in you! The werewolf was always such a bright boy, even with you and Dorea's offspring around! At last something good came out of **_that_**** unholy union, even if we had to wait a generation! But Black blood will always overcome anything else, no matter how bad it is, we will always come out on top."**

"Hey! We were not _that _bad! We were the Marauders, we are still a legend at school! The Weasley-Twins even have an altar in the back of their shop, dedicated to us!"

****

"They still could do better than you! You are an adult, and I, **_and all the neighbors, _****could hear you whining about a ****_book!_**** I certainly didn't raise you to act like that! What are you doing, you have those two pretty boys in the house, and all you do on the floor is wail? Don't you have anything better to do there? Because if the answer is no then maybe you don't deserve then, you know. Or do you need me to give you pointers?"**

"Yes, but maybe they just want the others to believe that with pure they mean pure _blood_." Harry explained his theory. "I think in reality with pure they mean pure _pervert_."

"I do other stuff with them on the floor! I do a lot of other stuff with them there!"  
**"I don't mean playing doggy tricks! And watch you tone, I'm still you mother, young man!"  
**"Yes, and you are death! So shut up, no one wants to hear you scream! I have Harry and Remus for that!"  
**"You should take you brother as an example, Sirius. He is such a good boy, and he knows exactly how to act as a member of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black!" **the old woman declared proudly, and Sirius whirled around only to come face to face with Remus.  
The dog-animagus turned again, and Harry, sill on his shoulder, sighed.

"You will have to let me down, Sirius." he told him softly as he tapped him on the shoulder, and the older man chuckled in embarrassment. "Right, there you are. I forgot."  
"I'm sure you did."

He finally let the smaller man down, but kept his hands on his shoulders to make sure he couldn't get away.  
And because he likes touching Harry so much, but that's beside the point for now...

"Harry, you would tell us if Regulus is back again, right?"  
"Don't worry, I look carefully around before I even step into the bathroom. I really don't know why a portrait would haunt a bathroom, or how he even gets in there again and again, no matter how often we throw him out. I mean, it's not a permanent sticking charm, like your mother did with her portrait. And shouldn't the steam from the hot water damage him?"  
Harry shock his head, Blacks really are a crazy lot, even as pictures.

Sirius on the other hand just grumbled. The idea of haunting a bathroom and watching Harry and/or Remus shower for the rest of eternity is not a bad one.  
Not really, there are worse ways to spent the time.  
No, the bad thing about it is that it was his little brother who came up with the idea!  
And he couldn't even kill the little bastard because he already _is _death!

Time and time again they took the pervert portray out of the bathroom to give Harry 'privacy', and next time the green-eyed wizard went to take a shower, Regulus was back again.  
They never found out how he did it. Harry went to one of the other bathrooms, but the portrait still showed up there, leering down on him and making suggestion how to turn or what to do...

Regulus portrait is stalking Harry, and Sirius mother tried to flirt with Remus every time she caught him alone...  
'Really, they may have good taste, but Prongslet and Moony still belong to me, damn it!'

"We're going!"  
And with that he turned around and grabbed their hands to drag his lovers into their room.  
And next time his mother opened her mouth, he would just break the whole wall down and throw it out with the picture. She may stick to that part of the wall, but no one said it had to stand inside the house.  
'I bet she would make a good watchdog..." Sirius thought with a smirk

**_-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-_**  
**_The End_**  
**_.-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-..-~-._**

A/N: Finally finished.  
This story started one day a few months back with a single picture in my mind:  
Sirius is lying on the floor over Harry's lap, kicking his feet and whining about the book, and Remus leaning against the door frame with a cup in his hand smiling down at them.

Then they refused to listen to me and just do what they want:  
Suddenly Severus Snape shows up, and talks about putting dogs out of their misery.  
Next, Draco comes along with a Dobby in a dress, and next thing I know, Harry is suddenly threading Sirius' mother  
(That's who he shut her up: A silence spell, chains to keep her in her portrait, and if everything fails, he would break the wall down and throw her out.)

And before I know it, Regulus is a pervert who haunts the bathroom to see Harry naked, while his mother flirts with Remus. (Pure perverts, truly...)

And Sirius is just an attention-wore who likes to be the center of attention and alternately throws a tempter tantrum and tries to get into peoples pants.


End file.
